What You Should NOT Do On Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is almost here! Have you made plans yet? I'm sure you have. What are they? According to Tim Lott, here are some things you probably should NOT do on Valentine’s Day.

1. Buy flowers. They put the price up you know. What’s more, be careful with your choices – flowers are like watches; it’s amazing how ugly so many of them are. I’d rather put a turd on my kitchen table than a blue chrysanthemum. And don’t get roses. Roses are boring.

2. Have sex – unless of course it’s not with your partner. Otherwise it’s going to be the opposite of what sex is about, ie spontaneity.

3. Buy anything heart-shaped. Soap, chocolates, cakes, picture frames, tea bags – you name it. They don’t even resemble hearts – check the butcher’s slab.

4. Send an anonymous Valentine’s card. I don’t get it. What’s the point?

5. Pretend to be having a good time when you’re not. Save that for Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays.

6. Propose marriage. Start a marriage with fresh cheese, it will end with mouldy cheese. Also there’s a danger in doing something just because it’s romantic.

7. Go out for a meal. It’s hard to get a table and it’s depressing to watch 20 other couples not having fun too.

8. Surprise her with a balloon ride. It’s just too symbolic when they extinguish the flame and let the air out.

9. Go and see Fifty Shades of Grey. Just don’t.

10. Sling away the contraception and see what happens. Creating new life is not really a thing to do on a whim. Though speaking as someone with four children, I’m not necessarily in a position to preach.

11. Make vows and promises of any kind. If they’re worth making, they are impossible to keep.

12. Surprise her with a puppy. Apart from anything else, they are difficult to wrap. You can stun them first, but unconscious just isn’t the same somehow.

13. Send Valentine’s cards to your kids. This has become a thing. Don’t do it. It’s weird.

14. Do them a mix tape (or whatever the digital equivalent is). This is always an exercise in self-aggrandizement.

15. Give them money. People do this. If you want a definition of “unromantic”, this one is hard to beat.

16. Give them “My Side”, “Your Side” pillowcases. If you’ve got your own side of the bed, it’s too late for Valentine’s anyway.

17. Soft toys. No. I mean it.

18. Get them a “professional” pole-dancing pole (this is a real thing). Unless you want a punch in the mush to remember the day by.

19. Chocolates. The only cliche that makes you fat as well as unimaginative.

20. Finally, don’t send poetry – particularly a poem you’ve written yourself. It will almost certainly be awful, and you’ll put your partner through the ordeal of pretending to like it.

Oh my, what then is one left with? Any ideas? 


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